Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
