coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
