seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
