Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
