I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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