I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
