sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
