yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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