Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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