The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
