a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
