i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
