ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
