I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
