I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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