I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
