Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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