i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
