dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
