you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
