great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
