I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
