OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
