dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
