so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
as a side note pls kill me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
