I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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