Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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