Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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