My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
