Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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