The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
