I just saw a hot homeless man
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
