You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found puke in my bra..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
