I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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