My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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