The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
