I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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