On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
