so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
