Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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