He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
