My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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