dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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