I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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