I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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