Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
