Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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