Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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