So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
