Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
