Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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