Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
