I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
