Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
