it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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