new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
