If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
