I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
