He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
