I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
