Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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