dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
